My heart aches for
love not shared,
words not spoken and
chapters not written.
I have a hunger for places
I have not been and
songs that are yet to be sung.
My life is beautiful and good,
yet my soul yearns to be
with its common flame,
the one that both calms and stirs me- the one
that helps lift me
to be my greatness self.
So, I will wander until my soul stumbles
into that safe haven where
I will feel settled and loved.
There is nothing more beautiful than you, laughing, feeling, connecting, discovering, growing and doing what you were born to do.
You were born to share your music, your art, your magic, your words, your love and your beautiful heart and soul with the world, don’t be afraid.
Unleash the magic within.
TO’K~🌹❤️ 
On my worst day, I woke up, although a part of me wished I hadn’t.
I dragged my aching soul out from under the covers and hauled myself across the room. Life felt unbearable and hopeless. But still, I had a life.
I stepped outside on to the small balcony of my hotel room and let the wind tussle my hair and let the rain kiss my tear stained cheeks and sooth my crippled soul.
My eyes were swollen, yet, I could faintly see the dim, blue, sky hidden behind hazy, grey clouds. Although I could not see the sun, I knew it was there, hiding and helping life flourish.
My heart was broken, but, it was still beating and I still had the capacity to love.
The ache tore through my entire being, paralyzed my body, but, I could still stand and I could still feel.
I gazed out across the steely cold ocean knowing that beneath the surface of the water beautiful things were alive. And I knew that below the surface of my pain, there was a powerful force swimming in the dark that would help me heal.
I closed my tired eyes and was able to visit the corners of my mind where I held the image of every beautiful soul that had ever wandered in and out of my life. I would need them now.
On my worst day, my very worst day, there was still so much to be grateful for.
Even on your worst days, there will be something beautiful to believe in. Be always grateful for those things.
TO’K ~ 🌹❤️
Have you ever had feelings for someone that you can’t understand? Feelings that pierce your heart and awaken your soul? No matter how far you travel or how fast you run, there they are, reminding you that you still know how to feel, you still know how to love, you still know how to ache and you still know how to recognize a soul that is tied to yours, but, you don’t know how or why?
Yup, I hate when that happens.
By Toni O’KEEFFE
There is a bench
It is rustic and beautifully scarred from the many seasons it has stood exposed to the west-coast rains, coastal wind, snow, hail and the heat of the sun beating down upon it.
Hundreds, maybe thousands, of passersby have sat, leaned, met, wondered, cried, hoped, dreamed or fell in love on the Bench.
The faded brown bench is well worn and bares grey lines where the stain has faded and the wood is beginning to crack. It’s original rusty nails now replaced with stronger bolts, but, they too are starting to decay.
The original wooden planks on the seat and back of the Bench remain in place and although they are splitting, still provide comforting support and a place to rest, think and exhale.
I am inspired when I come to sit on the Bench. It is positioned perfectly at the edge of the Englishman River estuary where the river meets the waters of the Pacific Ocean in the Straight of Georgia.
The estuary is a peaceful, soothing place that allows me to pause and let the aches of the world wash away.
Surrounded by lush forest land, tall wild grass and tidal mud flats, the estuary is the perfect home to sandpipers, geese, ducks, blue herons and other interesting land and marine life.
This is a simple yet extraordinary sanctuary when one takes the time to stop, sit, listen and observe.
The first time I came here the connection was instant. The view of the river, the ocean, the forest, the mountains, the wildlife and the quiet, drew me in and draws me back.
There is always something blooming or nesting beside the Bench. Depending on the season, tall white daisies, crimson rose hip, petite yellow butter cups, dandelions, tiny wild strawberries and in the summer BlackBerrys briars ready to explode with fruit, create a stunning frame around the Bench.
High sea grass caress all sides of the Bench, protecting tiny birds, baby rabbits or other small creatures that seek refuge under the cover of her wooden planks, reminding me that beautiful things are always being born in me, in the estuary and in the world.
I have watched eagles lock talons and dance in the sky over the Bench, sat in awe as the snow gently kissed the ocean in winter. Each spring I smile at the baby geese waddling into the world, shuffling through the mud trying to keep up with their parents.
There is a path that leads from the Bench along the river, guiding any curious explorer deeper into the sanctum of the estuary. The Bench itself is a path that leads my mind away from whatever ails me and takes me towards a peaceful stillness.
For over a decade I have come to this familiar spot. I came here to think after my father died. I came to this place seeking inner guidance both before and after my son Ryans death.
Time spent at the Bench helps me navigate my life, calms my mind, body and spirit and has helped me understand “me”.
I know the day will come when I arrive and the Bench will be gone replaced by something new and modern. Today I’m grateful for this perfect, safe, front row seat looking out into the world, that moves me to look deeper inward.
The river that flows into the estuary, sometimes appears to flow in the wrong direction. This happens when the ocean tides roll in and push the river upstream. This movement of water is a part of the beautiful ecosystem in the estuary. Life too can feel as if we’re being pushed in the wrong direction, swimming against the current. If we fight the current we become exhausted. If we surrender, relax and believe that the push of the current is part of a bigger system at work, life will also relax.
Today, I closed my eyes let the wind tussle my hair and the rain drizzle down my face. I was fully present. As I sat, I became aware of the support provided to my body as it relaxed fully into the Bench. My mind drifted off and reflected on the many times I’ve come here to heal. In this moment, the Bench and I were part of the surrounding landscape, my breath perfectly synchronized to the rhythm of the estuary. Any doubts I’ve ever had that all things are connected were blown away with the wind.
Everything, all of us, every animal, big and small, every tree, plant, blade of grass, the elements are one interdependent system of life coexisting.
As I left the Bench, I ran my hand across the weather beaten seat and gave thanks for the view, the support and the tranquility. Like the bench, I have weathered a few storms, I see the signs of grey in my hair and small cracks in my skin. But my path always seems clear and the view to my future brighter each time I have come to ponder, think and heal, on this beautiful, peaceful Bench.
There are amazing and beautiful
possibilities, people and places just waiting for you to discover them.
Don’t keep them waiting. TO’K ~ 🌹❤️
Silently he lurks in the shadows of your life waiting to creep out of the thick fog in which he resides.
Always eager to remind you of the fragility of life. He grips onto and now owns a piece of your heart that no other thing will ever touch.
When he arrives you are locked in an emotional vertigo as you try to fight him off. Your world is turned upside down, yet, the rest of the world carries on unaware of your pain.
Grief stabs like no other pain ever will. He reminds you of words not spoken, unfulfilled dreams, unkept promises, unfinished business.
He wreaks havoc over family traditions, family dynamics and your life rhythm sending you on a unsettling and seemingly unending roller coaster ride.
He challenges you to cling onto your loved one. So you cling to memories, photographs, video clips and their “stuff”.
There’s a deep sense of loyalty and an enduring ache that stops you from letting go of the material possessions and objects your loved one left behind and now keeps them anchored to your life. Somehow there is a fear that if you let these things go you will release that person from your life forever.
I’m not sure if my (or your) loathsome companion Grief is ever going away, I do know that I now recognize him when he crawls out of the fog.
I know what it feels like when he throws his uncomfortable gloomy cloak over my life. And I know what I have to do to nurture myself when I feel the horrible darkness he brings.
The times I see and feel his arrival is when we approach events such has my sons birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas and the anniversary of the day he died. These times bring on a surge of memories and emotions that have become a calling card for Grief.
Although Grief is painful, it also teaches us how to live differently. The fragility of life itself allows us to live in a state of gratitude for life and those we love.
I know it will get easier as the years go by as I’m now able to recognize when my unfriendly companion Grief comes out to play. I also know that the day will come when I’m able to look at Grief and say, “Oh, it’s you again, okay, let me make some coffee and get a box of Kleenex, then, let’s do this.”
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How to cope with your grief:
Although we each manage grief differently, here are some things that you might want to try to manage your feelings of loss.
Develop new traditions to honour your loved one during major holidays and significant dates.
Have a special place to go to and remember your loved one.
Become self aware so that you can recognize the trigger points, days and events that cause you the most pain, and, develop strategies to nurture yourself during those times.
As painful as it might be, the rest of the world will continue to spin. Reach out to people or groups that understand your grief.
Find a way to memorialize your loved one, For example; a bench, a tree, an annual event, a annual scholarship in their name or a donation to a cause they loved.
Meditate and journal to help you understand what you’re feeling.
Keep momentous that hold positive memories.
When you’re ready, pass your loved ones personal items, such as clothing, sporting equipment, technology, etc..on to those that need and will appreciate them.
Don’t try to “get over “ the loss. You won’t. But you can manage it.
Make it comfortable for other people to talk about your loved one. I love talking about my son. Sometimes when you lose a loved one your family and friends don’t know how to bring them up in a conversation or don’t know if they should. So make it easy for them.
Don’t be angry with people that don’t know how to support you. They may be as confused as you are. Love them and forgive them.
Manage how much you take on during specific periods, such as Christmas or their birthday and pace your social activities.
Acknowledge what you’re feeling and don’t apologize for it.
Be good to yourself.
If you know someone that’s grieving you can support them by;
⁃ Asking them how they are, then, listened. Don’t offer fixes, advice or tell them how to feel. Just listen.
⁃ Respect the person’s grief process. You don’t have to understand it.
⁃ Expect emotional swells at certain points in the year.
⁃ Ask them what they need.
⁃ Refrain from saying things like. “Your loved one is in a better place “Or “At least she or he is no longer suffering.” Or “Gee you seem off”
⁃ Try saying things like: “This must be a difficult time for you” or “How can I help you” or I’m sorry you are feeling this pain.”
⁃ Don’t judge, don’t analyze or compare their grief process to yours.
Of course I believe in magic. I see it every day in the beautiful souls that appear in my life.
YOU are the magic in my life.
TO’K~🌹❤️
I WISH YOU
I wish you a life of magic and adventure that will quench your curiosity.
A life that allows your soul to marvel at the beauty of it all.
A life that makes your feet dance, your beautiful heart sing, your eyes weep and your entire being come fully to life.
A life that when you die, you collapse from happy exhaustion, having felt it all.
That’s my wish for you
TO’K ~🌹❤️
My online dating days have come to an end (well, until the next Saturday night I’m home alone with a bag of Cheetos, a bottle of wine, left over holiday chocolate and decide to sign up for the latest new and improved dating site for the over 50 crowd).
After 30 months, 52 first dates, hundreds of messages, winks, flirts, favourites, pokes, and likes, I am hanging up my online dating profile.
I did have some positive experiences along the way, but the majority of my matches were as they say; “no cigar” just a lot of smoke and no flame.
Each potential match starts off fun, maybe with an online wink, a “like”, they might designate you as a “favourite” or send you an online emoji gift, and then you start to communicate online.
In the beginning there are lots of flirty messages, texts and even phone calls. You find all sorts of commonality and talk yourself into believing that this person could actually be the “one”. You may even go out and buy a new bra in anticipation of something wonderful about to unfold.
Then you meet and, there it is, the big let down. WOW, talk about fake news! Dating profiles is where you’ll find it.
For me all the pre-meeting communication creates an expectation that ultimately, most often, leads to disappointment. I’m sure my dates felt the same way.
My good friend and online dating guru Ken, always told me to “keep the initial communications to a minimum, once you’ve connected online, just get out there and meet.” He’s right. The longer you delay having a face-to-face, the more time you have to build up false expectations. Then, you meet and wham, you and your expectations crash leaving you wondering if you saved the tags so you can return the top you bought for your date.
Most, more than 75%, of the men I met were not exactly what or who they said they were. Let me explain.
I met a 67 year old man posing as a 52 year old active male. We met for a lunch date. I got up to use the restroom, while I was gone, he fell asleep at the table. Gawd I must be a bore. I paid the bill, quietly woke him and put him in a cab.
One gentleman I went on a walking date with, was just looking for someone to go half-ies on a double-wide.
Another just wanted a date he could introduce as his fiancé at his mothers 80s birthday the following weekend.
There was the guy that for our first (and only) date, toured me through three job sites he was working on. Perhaps he wanted to demonstrate that he was good with tools🤷♀️.
A couple of men uttered those three little words on the first date – “I’m still married”. To be clear there were no second dates with these fellas.
One guy had obviously set up a “call system” with a friend. As soon as he knew I was not going home with him, he received the “you’ve got an emergency” call – we were both relieved to bring that date to an end.
A few were just really angry at their ex’s and apparently needed to talk about it.
Many despite what their profiles said, were not really looking for a relationship, but rather seeking short-term hook-ups.
A couple fellas had done impressive creeping research on me. Especially the one that told me he had figured out where I lived and liked what I had done with the garden and patio in my front yard. I have since moved.
Then there was the guy that punched the wall because I had a different political viewpoint than he did. TAXI !
One just drank a whole lot, maybe he hoped I’d look better after 9 double scotch. When he tried to kiss me goodnight, I turned away and he poked me in the eye with his keys( thus the title of this little editorial)
And then, there was a man that I thought was, well, an excellent match, I felt a spark with him immediately. I thought we were likeminded, he had not lied about anything(that I knew about), he was attractive, I loved his presence, there were lots of positives from my perspective, but, it wasn’t meant to be😔.
I connected with several really nice, attractive, decent people, but when we met face-to-face, the chemistry just wasn’t there. And, that’s where online dating falls down (for me). Without the body language and other important social cues I could not get a true sense of who most of these people were through pictures, texts or even phone calls. I need to look into somebody’s eyes, into their soul, touch their hand and most importantly I need feel something when I first meet somebody.
A few confessed that they had not written their own profile. They had their mother, sister or a friend help them write it AND, they had them help craft responses to our online communications. I fall in love with words. So for me, using a “Cyrano de Bergerac” approach, is disappointing.
I’m not even going to describe the scams and ultra-fake profiles, that’s an editorial unto itself.
I’ve coming to believe that all these online dating services might not really want us to find love, if we did they’d be out of business. They rely on our desire to find “the one” to keep us signed up. Many of these companies are subsidiaries of other dating sites and hook you with the idea that their site is unique or will offer you only “Elite” (yes I joined that one too) match prospects. But, once I got on a new site, I was met by mostly all the same people, that like me, jumped from site to site.
To be fair, I know people that have met the love of their life online. These success stories become the inspiration for the rest of us to jump into the online dating world.
I also have male friends that had similar experiences with less than honest dates. So, it’s just not men that put up outdated photos and colour their profiles into something they’re not. The ladies do it too.
I am grateful that I grew up in a time when we had the opportunity to experience dating the old fashioned way. A time when my heart raced, my hands sweat and butterflies went rogue in my stomach when I saw my crush for the first time. These elements of human connection are absent when we first make contact online. While the online environment exposes us to thousands of potential matches, it’s just not the same, well, not for me.
I’m not giving up on love. But, I think if it happens for me, it will have to be the old fashion way.
Or, perhaps I’ll realize that I’ve already met my person, maybe the timing was off and we’ll find our way back into each others lives.
Or, I’ll get another dog, maybe add a cat to the mix, actually baby goats are popular pets right now.
Regardless, I will not die with my love still in me. I plan to leave it all out on the field. Right now, I’m just gonna love all the beautiful, amazing, people already in my life.
For those still in the online dating game. Good luck, I hope you find the one that will ignite both your heart and soul and fill your life with love, laughter and beautiful memories.
TO’K ~ 🌹❤️
The Whimsey Angel 