My heart aches for
love not shared,
words not spoken and
chapters not written.
I have a hunger for places
I have not been and
songs that are yet to be sung.
My life is beautiful and good,
yet my soul yearns to be
with its common flame,
the one that both calms and stirs me- the one
that helps lift me
to be my greatness self.
So, I will wander until my soul stumbles
into that safe haven where
I will feel settled and loved.
Have you ever had feelings for someone that you can’t understand? Feelings that pierce your heart and awaken your soul? No matter how far you travel or how fast you run, there they are, reminding you that you still know how to feel, you still know how to love, you still know how to ache and you still know how to recognize a soul that is tied to yours, but, you don’t know how or why?
Yup, I hate when that happens.
My online dating days have come to an end (well, until the next Saturday night I’m home alone with a bag of Cheetos, a bottle of wine, left over holiday chocolate and decide to sign up for the latest new and improved dating site for the over 50 crowd).
After 30 months, 52 first dates, hundreds of messages, winks, flirts, favourites, pokes, and likes, I am hanging up my online dating profile.
I did have some positive experiences along the way, but the majority of my matches were as they say; “no cigar” just a lot of smoke and no flame.
Each potential match starts off fun, maybe with an online wink, a “like”, they might designate you as a “favourite” or send you an online emoji gift, and then you start to communicate online.
In the beginning there are lots of flirty messages, texts and even phone calls. You find all sorts of commonality and talk yourself into believing that this person could actually be the “one”. You may even go out and buy a new bra in anticipation of something wonderful about to unfold.
Then you meet and, there it is, the big let down. WOW, talk about fake news! Dating profiles is where you’ll find it.
For me all the pre-meeting communication creates an expectation that ultimately, most often, leads to disappointment. I’m sure my dates felt the same way.
My good friend and online dating guru Ken, always told me to “keep the initial communications to a minimum, once you’ve connected online, just get out there and meet.” He’s right. The longer you delay having a face-to-face, the more time you have to build up false expectations. Then, you meet and wham, you and your expectations crash leaving you wondering if you saved the tags so you can return the top you bought for your date.
Most, more than 75%, of the men I met were not exactly what or who they said they were. Let me explain.
I met a 67 year old man posing as a 52 year old active male. We met for a lunch date. I got up to use the restroom, while I was gone, he fell asleep at the table. Gawd I must be a bore. I paid the bill, quietly woke him and put him in a cab.
One gentleman I went on a walking date with, was just looking for someone to go half-ies on a double-wide.
Another just wanted a date he could introduce as his fiancé at his mothers 80s birthday the following weekend.
There was the guy that for our first (and only) date, toured me through three job sites he was working on. Perhaps he wanted to demonstrate that he was good with tools🤷♀️.
A couple of men uttered those three little words on the first date – “I’m still married”. To be clear there were no second dates with these fellas.
One guy had obviously set up a “call system” with a friend. As soon as he knew I was not going home with him, he received the “you’ve got an emergency” call – we were both relieved to bring that date to an end.
A few were just really angry at their ex’s and apparently needed to talk about it.
Many despite what their profiles said, were not really looking for a relationship, but rather seeking short-term hook-ups.
A couple fellas had done impressive creeping research on me. Especially the one that told me he had figured out where I lived and liked what I had done with the garden and patio in my front yard. I have since moved.
Then there was the guy that punched the wall because I had a different political viewpoint than he did. TAXI !
One just drank a whole lot, maybe he hoped I’d look better after 9 double scotch. When he tried to kiss me goodnight, I turned away and he poked me in the eye with his keys( thus the title of this little editorial)
And then, there was a man that I thought was, well, an excellent match, I felt a spark with him immediately. I thought we were likeminded, he had not lied about anything(that I knew about), he was attractive, I loved his presence, there were lots of positives from my perspective, but, it wasn’t meant to be😔.
I connected with several really nice, attractive, decent people, but when we met face-to-face, the chemistry just wasn’t there. And, that’s where online dating falls down (for me). Without the body language and other important social cues I could not get a true sense of who most of these people were through pictures, texts or even phone calls. I need to look into somebody’s eyes, into their soul, touch their hand and most importantly I need feel something when I first meet somebody.
A few confessed that they had not written their own profile. They had their mother, sister or a friend help them write it AND, they had them help craft responses to our online communications. I fall in love with words. So for me, using a “Cyrano de Bergerac” approach, is disappointing.
I’m not even going to describe the scams and ultra-fake profiles, that’s an editorial unto itself.
I’ve coming to believe that all these online dating services might not really want us to find love, if we did they’d be out of business. They rely on our desire to find “the one” to keep us signed up. Many of these companies are subsidiaries of other dating sites and hook you with the idea that their site is unique or will offer you only “Elite” (yes I joined that one too) match prospects. But, once I got on a new site, I was met by mostly all the same people, that like me, jumped from site to site.
To be fair, I know people that have met the love of their life online. These success stories become the inspiration for the rest of us to jump into the online dating world.
I also have male friends that had similar experiences with less than honest dates. So, it’s just not men that put up outdated photos and colour their profiles into something they’re not. The ladies do it too.
I am grateful that I grew up in a time when we had the opportunity to experience dating the old fashioned way. A time when my heart raced, my hands sweat and butterflies went rogue in my stomach when I saw my crush for the first time. These elements of human connection are absent when we first make contact online. While the online environment exposes us to thousands of potential matches, it’s just not the same, well, not for me.
I’m not giving up on love. But, I think if it happens for me, it will have to be the old fashion way.
Or, perhaps I’ll realize that I’ve already met my person, maybe the timing was off and we’ll find our way back into each others lives.
Or, I’ll get another dog, maybe add a cat to the mix, actually baby goats are popular pets right now.
Regardless, I will not die with my love still in me. I plan to leave it all out on the field. Right now, I’m just gonna love all the beautiful, amazing, people already in my life.
For those still in the online dating game. Good luck, I hope you find the one that will ignite both your heart and soul and fill your life with love, laughter and beautiful memories.
TO’K ~ 🌹❤️
Our corporate impact, our financial portfolio, our social status, the number of people following our social feeds, POWER, these are NOT the things that define “Success”, well, not in my little mind anyway.
Success should not be solely defined by how high we climb the corporate ladder or our wealth. It should be defined by who we become along the way, what we learn and how we apply that learning to improve our lives and the lives of others. It should be defined by the joy we bring into the world and the positive imprint ( the Heart print) we leave on the hearts of others.
More than ever the world needs more kind hearted heroes, more compassionate teachers and healers, more grateful global citizens and more concerned and passionate stewards of the planet.
As I consider my contribution to humanity and ponder my heart-print the questions I ask myself are;
How have I expressed love, kindness and compassion for the planet and “all” living things?
How have I exercised my natural gifts to make the world a better place for the generations that will follow?
How do I treat and take care of my loved ones, neighbors and community?
How have I taken care of myself so that I can live my best life and be my best self for those who rely on me?
How have I shown up for my children and all children?
How have I evolved my social consciousness and connected with others in positive ways?
Have I made soul-to-soul connections?
Am I enjoying my journey?
When I ponder these questions, I realize I still have some work to do to ensure the heart-print I leave behind is a positive one.
Me, You, all of us – always a work in progress.
~TO’K 🌹❤️
Toni O’Keeffe ~ The Whimsey Angel
My Valentine Wish for you
My wish for you this Valentine’s day and every day, is that you do celebrate love. Not just romantic love, but a love for all things and all people, a love that is kind and authentic and goes beyond a single day each year.
I wish for you a love that allows you to feel safe and secure in who you are and inspires you to grow into the best version of yourself. A love that celebrates a soul-to-soul connection where there is no expectations but an enduring appreciation, acceptance, respect and admiration for the beautiful, perfect and unique soul that you are.
I wish for you a love of self, where you see yourself as worthy and deserving of all that is beautiful and good and that you are able to be kind and gentle on your spirit and trust this journey you are on.
If you have found the one that settles your soul, sets your heart on fire, makes butterflys dance in your chest, and stars shine in your eyes, hold them close and give thanks for the gift of this love every single day.
For those still in search of an epic love, I hope you find the kindred flame that will warm and settle your heart, captivate your mind, make your body tingle and your spirit laugh. I wish that kind of love for each of you, I wish this kind of love for me.
I wish you love – not just today or on Valentines day, but every day
TO’K 🌹❤️
Toni O’Keeffe ~ The Whimsey Angel
Our beautiful silly souls are not meant to stay in one place or love just one person. We are on an adventure, a quest to experience all that we can in this short life.
We are meant to be curious and inquisitive and sometimes impulsive.
We are meant to wander to far off places and roam with strangers seeking to write their life story while at the same time becoming a part of ours.
We are explorers that love to learn and love the company of other travelers.
We are meant to lift others up, and when we witness tragedy seek to do something about.
We are meant to be active participants in the lives of those that share our little blue planet and must protect the environment we call our home.
We are meant to eat cake then walk it off, drink too much wine and pay the consequence, have our hearts broken, feel deep anguish, have our spirits pierced all so we can learn and grow. Then, we are meant to find the strength and courage to see the lessons in our pain, rise up and move on.
If we’re lucky, and our spirit is ready, a time will come when we can pause in one place and with one person and reflect on where we have been and take stock of what is still left to do. Then, together jump back in, each of us on your own journey, yet sharing the path with a kindred spirit as we both find our way home.
TO’K~ 🌹❤️
Toni O’Keeffe ~ The Whimsey Angel
Written December 9 , 2016
Life sends us the most amazing teachers. I met two of them recently.
The first was a gentle soul I will call “Al”. I met Al while we were both sitting in a medical waiting room. Al had gotten up to get a cup of water. I was sitting a couple of chairs away from the cooler so he politely asked me if I’d like a drink as well. I accepted. Al’s crippled body, hunched back and disheveled appearance suggested his life was not an easy one. He carefully brought me my cup of water, sat next to me and we proceeded to have an amazing – beautiful really- conversation.
What I learnt about Al is that he has a chronic illness that has left him severely crippled and in pain most of the time and for most of his life. He also suffers with partial facial paralysis making it difficult for him to speak, but he managed just fine. Al’s wife “Beth”passed away from breast cancer 18 months ago, they had been married for 23 years. He left his job as an IT manager to take care of Beth, but due to his medical condition he is having a difficult time re-entering the workplace so is doing what he referred to as “geek” work helping people with their home computer systems. Although he qualified for long term disability, he indicated that he prefers to work as it keeps him active and allows him to get out and socialize. Al and Beth had one child, a little girl named Emily who passed away 17 years ago at the age of two. He had a picture of Emily and Beth safely tucked in his wallet and was beaming with pride and love as he showed me the photo. Despite his life challenges, this man was positive and upbeat. He was grateful that he had access to care that helped him mange his pain, he had lovely stories of his life with the love of his life, Beth. Although some might say he had a lot of reasons to be angry with the world, not a negative or angry word came out of him. He was interested in who I was and asked me about my line of work and my life. It was a beautiful and peaceful pleasure to meet him and be in his company. I felt the positive energy flowing from every fibre of his being.
The second teacher I engaged with this week, is a woman I will call “Mona”. I have known her casually for a few years. We bump into each other occasionally at business functions. Mona is beautiful, has a wonderful job, makes an excellent salary, lives in a beautiful home with her handsome husband (who also has a successful career) and their three children all of whom are attractive, healthy and thriving in school and athletics. Yet, she is one of the most unhappy people I have ever met. This week, she was angry because she was unable to book a 4 bedroom condo for their trip to Hawaii at New Years and had to settle for 3 bedroom. She was angry because the dealership winterizing her car made her wait 30 mins before they could drive her back to work. She was mad at her husband because she had to attend a workplace event with him and she hates “everyone” he works with. She was upset with her various family members over Christmas dinner arrangements, negative about people in her workplace and upset that managers in her pay-grade were asked to each contribute $100 to provide the staff in the office with a Christmas luncheon. Any time I have spent time with her, I can feel her negative vibration and find it hard to be in her company. I don’t recall her ever asking me about my life, my job or my family because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care. 🙂
So what did I learn from these two amazing teachers that presented themselves to me only a couple of days apart?
I learnt this.
– Our perceptions are our reality. If we believe our lives suck, or we believe our lives are wonderful- we’re right.
– Gratitude and happiness are intrinsically connected. People that are authentically grateful are generally happy people.
– It’s not a beautiful face or a beautiful house or a beautiful job that makes us beautiful, it’s a beautiful spirit and the impact it has on others that makes us beautiful “or not”
– Although our mothers told us we should never talk to strangers, sorry momma, I have to disagree, I love talking to strangers (my Dad use to start up conversations with random strangers all of the time- I guess I get this from him).
We have to stop pretending we don’t see one another and instead take time to say hello, reach out with open hearts and compassion, because you never know who you’re going to meet and what amazing gifts of learning they might be packing with them.
Actually, when you think about it, everyone you know, including your very best friends, the person you’re in love with, even your mother, use to be a stranger. 🙂 so don’t be afraid to reach out.
I’m feeling grateful for the lessons, the learning and the whisper of time that I was gifted to spend with a beautiful, wise, kindly, soul that use to be a stranger – named “Al”.
TO’K ~ 🌹❤️
Toni O’Keeffe ~ The Whimsey Angel
As I gazed out my office window today I observed two woman in the parking lot. Their body language and finger pointing suggested they were having a heated discussion. Each woman had a young girl with her about 4-5 years old. As the two woman in their early 30s carried on a less than friendly conversation these two little girls happily engaged with each other smiling, laughing, hugging, touching each other’s cold cheeks and sharing what one of them had in her pocket. They looked like long lost kinder spirits, it was very sweet.
As the conversation between the two women ended, each woman grabbed and hustled their child away grumbling what I imagine was unflattering commentary about the other woman and little girl.
Observing this scene got me thinking. Have you ever watched little kids engage with a new friend? They hug, they smile at one another, they giggle, they play, they kiss, they say I love you, they hold hands – there is a magical energy and genuine kinship between them, even if they have never met.
Love is our natural state, we are born “good”, we are born to love, to laugh, to be kind, be compassionate, to guide each other and we possess the gift to recognize each other as kindred soul friends that are sharing a path even if its only for a brief moment in time.
So why do we start to mistrust, dislike, disapprove, disassociate, hurt, judge and hate? Based on what I had just witnessed, and other observations throughout my life, its clear that we learn through watching and mimicking. We mirror behaviour because we think “this is how we’re supposed to act.”
We learn to fear people that are different than us, learn prejudice, racism, our sense of entitlement and learn other behaviours that class or judge people.
As a child I remember hugging, kissing and asking complete strangers to be my friend. I’m sure many of you were like that. In fact I think I met a few of you that way😊. Somewhere this natural expression of love gets suppressed.
I still see “familiar” strangers that I want to hug. But I don’t, because that would be fricking weird my friends and I’d likely get punched or even get arrested 😊. But, I still think about doing it. Many times I’ve been chatting with an elderly person and they will hold my hand, or hug me, or kiss my cheek, it’s as if their natural state to be loving returns.
Little kids and old folks, they’ve got “that loving feeling” going on. Oh man, what the hell happens to us between 4 and 92.
TO’K ~ 🌹❤️
Toni O’Keeffe ~ The Whimsey Angel
I’ve known you since the beginning of time, yet, I’ve missed you my whole life.❤
Feb 2, 2017,
I had coffee with an old colleague this week. (He knows I’m posting this and was OK with it)
He wanted to chat as he was feeling down about his marriage of 23 years coming to an end.
He blew me away when he said; “She went back to school. She changed and I didn’t like it. She got excited about new job prospects, she had new friends, she lost weight and was really happy. I realized she could get by without me if she wanted to and I was completely uncomfortable with all of it.”
I was shocked as to why he was uncomfortable and asked him; why he wouldn’t want to share her journey, celebrate her achievements, her growth, her learning, her improved health and her new friendships and why he wouldn’t make the effort to get to know the beautiful person she had grown into?
He gave me a blank stare.
“I don’t know?” He said, “I guess I was happy with the way things were, I was afraid that she may have expectations that I would to grow along with her?”
“So why would that be a bad thing?” I asked, “If we are in the right relationship, we should learn and grow and become the best version of ourself. You can not expect a person to come down to your expectations of them, you need to “growup” to their expectation and belief in themselves .”
He gave me another blank stare.
“My god I’m such an asshole,” he replied.
“Well my friend, knowing that, might be the first step in your recovery.”
————————————————-
We are all on our own journey. If you find someone to share your path, someone that supports you in becoming the best version of yourself, hang on to them, its rare. We are suppose to grow, change and evolve. If you are with someone that is trying to improve their life, support them, join them in the journey. ~ This coming from a single, 57 year old dog lady ~ 🙂
TO’K – The Whimsey Angel
The Whimsey Angel 